The mindful dater's guide to talking dirty
Niki Davis-Fainbloom
Photo: cottonbro
January 6, 2022

What is the scariest moment you have ever experienced? Some folks may think back to that time they got drunk and flipped the canoe at night or perhaps that daredevil moment where they jumped out of a plane. However, having a partner ask them to talk dirty in bed can be comparably terrifying for some people. Why can dirty talk be so intimidating, and what are some techniques to open yourself up to this type of sexual communication?Since talking dirty typically happens in private, one of the few mainstream places we hear examples of dirty talk is pornography. However, most mainstream porn is made by men, for men, and therefore only depicts one type of dirty talk. When someone suggests talking dirty, we may jump to the conclusion that they are asking to engage in the degrading, power-infused communication often seen in porn. Many of us don't relate to this type of behavior, so we may assume that talking dirty isn't for us. We may also worry that there is a desire mismatch if our partner wants to engage in this practice.Another thing that holds people back is being afraid of saying the wrong thing. Communicating about sex is hard in general, so communicating while you are aroused can be particularly difficult for some. We also may worry that if we share what we are into with our partners, they may not be into it, as it feels vulnerable to put ourselves out there like that. What if our partner has different interests? What if they make fun of us?Which begs the question: If dirty talk can be so stressful and confusing, why bother?When we are having sex with someone, we taste them, smell them, and interact with their whole body. However, one of the only ways to express the sensations we are experiencing is by using our words. Dirty talk can be an exciting way to express and assess continued enjoyment and consent. You can also use dirty talk to communicate your wants, desires, and boundaries in a stimulating and fun way.

Expanding our definition of "dirty"

Dirty talk is much more than what you may have seen in mainstream porn. I define dirty talk as sexually explicit speech or conversation intended to seduce, arouse, communicate, or inform a partner about a preference. Dirty talk can run the spectrum from filthy and degrading to sweet and loving. For example, saying “I love you” while looking deeply into your partner's eyes is dirty talk. Telling your partner you want them to slow down so you can feel every inch of them is dirty talk. Asking your partner what they like is dirty talk.Preferences can also be shared this way. For example, saying "faster" or "now slowly rub my clit while you look me in the eyes" are both instructional and sexy. Sharing what you like during sex can arouse your partner and help both of you have the most satisfying sexual encounter possible.Dirty talk can also enhance the situation sensually. Get in touch with your senses and share what you are experiencing. How does your partner smell? What about them excites you? What do you want them to be doing?Complimentary dirty talk can also be very fun. After all, who doesn't like being complimented? Share why you are into your partner. What about them is exciting to you? How did you feel when you first saw them? How do they look when they are aroused? Express to them how sexy you think they are!

Four secrets to satisfying dirty talk

Feeling inspired to give sexy talk a try? Start with these four tips:Communicate. It can be off-putting if somebody uses a word that doesn’t resonate when talking about your body. Have a conversation with your partner about the type of talk you both may enjoy. In return, ask them if there are any turnoffs or kinds of speech they don't want. If you are exploring any degrading talk or linguistic power play, take it slow and ensure both parties enjoy the interaction.Work on confidence. It may take all the confidence you have to get any words out the first time you try it. However, with practice, it will become smoother and easier. If you feel too shy, try masturbating solo and talking dirty to yourself, so you get used to communicating while aroused. Also, if there is an outfit you can wear or something else can do to summon confidence, it will make dirty talk easier.Remember thatthis isn't just a tool to use during sex. In fact, for many, it may be too hard to concentrate on communication when they are in the throes of pleasure. Instead, dirty talk can be used as foreplay to get excited about having sex with your partner. For example, you can share what you would enjoy doing with your partner and get them excited about what is to cum (ideally you!). After sex, discuss the most arousing moments and perhaps anything you didn't enjoy. Then, next time, you will both be more informed lovers!Be real. Clumsy words from the heart are much better than copying words you hear that feel artificial. We can tell when our partners are genuine, so true connection will stem from exploring the type of talk that truly excites you and your partner. Instead of letting performance take over pleasure, stay in touch with your body and see what type of dirty talk speaks to you. Happy exploring!Craving true connection? If you’re ready to date like a human again, sign up for early access to the forthcoming Keepler dating app here.